I have been thinking a lot and I just need to get the words out there. I’m 21 and beautiful. I love my life. But there are things I could be doing better. I wish I was doing better at times. And I’m constantly aware of the fact that I’m not doing better.
One of the great things though about my life is that I don’t have a child. I know that a lot of people at my point in life want kids and that is fabulous. Fabulous for them. And a lot of them have kids and that is even better for them.
But this is one thing that I have never really told anyone about. I got told that I would be having kids at this point a lot when I was younger. And I hated that thought. I don’t want kids. And I didn’t think I could take care of them. And there was nothing good ever coming with that. And so I internalized all of these emotions.
But my life is my life. I have people who love me. I have people who care. I’m not making terrible choices. And I don’t need children. I do not need those voices anymore telling me that I’m wrong for having all of the emotions that I have that don’t want kids.
Just because my mother had me the day before she turned twenty, does not mean that life is a right kind of life for me. I love my mom. I love the life she gave me. I am incredibly myself and this is just one of those things that I have been so incredibly insecure about and I don’t need to be anymore.
I refuse your legitimacy. I am pro choice. I don’t want babies. And that’s okay. Time to close the book on this chapter and start a new one that makes me happy.
So it’s always interesting to talk about fridays. Because for right now anyway, I don’t really do anything on them. I mean I love it. I do. I just don’t do anything. I get to talk to Jon. I make sure that things are good. But I did a video and it seems to be going well.
If you haven’t seen it, here it is. It’s about the things that I’ve loved in January, just a few of them. And I also talk about my problems. Which is always a delight. Still, it’s a really good video and I really like doing these kind of favorite videos. Maybe I’ll end up doing those some more.
And one of the other things I did was catch up on my Youtube Subscriptions which is something that I definitely really loved doing. I’m subscribed to amazing people but I don’t get the best time to watch all of them.
There are a lot of things that I’m currently working on, but for me, I’m just enjoying the moment right now.
Filled the emotions, I go from happy to sad on a regular basis.
While having things to say about this fact, I just want to kind of touch base on some of the things that went down in the last couple of days.
I watched some great acting on the Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Also the Lizzie Bennet Diaries fandom exploded
I got extremely mad because my bag broke and is hurting my shoulders
College books are extremely heavy
Talking about the guy in my life makes me one of the happiest people on the planet
My mom invited him to the annual “Love Stinks and Ice Cream” hurrah that we have every valentine’s day
I had to walk someone through how to send an email. It took ten minutes.
My best friend is pretty much the best thing in the world
Also I hate applying for jobs. It is the worst thing in the entire world.
I’m not entirely familiar with rejection so that is kind of interesting
Basically these among many things sparked a thought in me, an emotion in me and yeah, it’s just been kind of a hectic time. I don’t know how many of these will be posted, but I’m really glad that I’m doing them.
So clearly, I’ve forgotten to do this the last couple of days. I’m gonna be alright, but it’s just been a busy kind of week.
I should tell you guys a little story of things that happened though. And how I know I might be making a small difference in someone’s life. Now, I’m not changing any names, because well, it’s a really personal story, but this a really important aspect of my life.
So James calls me on Saturday. James is a dude I’m quite close too and he happens to be fabulous and wonderful, but he has a problem with tact and he is very protective of his clan. He is a clan leader. He also doesn’t seem to have flight in the the fight/flight response.
Anyway, James calls me on Saturday. And he asks me what to do to deal with Raven. Raven is his sister’s boyfriend who James hates. James asking what to do is kind of a miracle, because he’s generally a think later, act first kind of guy. And he’s always very sure of his actions.
So I tell James just to ignore Raven, politely move on from Raven if he’s involved in a group, politely change the subject if he is brought up. And James says he’ll try. And at this point, I’m basically still in shock that the conversation was happening.
Things like this don’t normally happen. They especially don’t happen to people like me. So we hang up. I think everything is gonna be fine. And then Raven corners James and James fights back. Like I would. I’m sorry if you’re gonna corner someone, expect it to end badly.
But basically James cuts his sister out of his life. Not completely, but he just can’t stand the drama of dealing with her. And I get it. I get what he feels. And so basically I’ve been at the ready when he needed me this weekend which he didn’t, but I felt a strong need to be there for him just in case.
And then he texted this morning to see if I was on campus and well James just doesn’t do that. He’s not that kind of guy. So maybe things are changing for him. And maybe they’re changing for the better. I want to think so. I just love that he’s letting me in like this.
He didn’t have to let me in. But he did. And I needed that just a little bit.
I redyed my hair. Same color, but with the amount of fade that went on, it does actually look like it made a difference. I really like dying my hair, but I won’t do it for three or four months after the last dye. This is because I love my hair and the fact that I want to keep it as healthy as possible while still killing some of it with dye.
And one of the things I know is that when I dye my hair, it gets everywhere. I honestly, just kind of wish that someone else would help me because I make literally the biggest mess. And that’s okay, I’m okay with being a mess, but really shouldn’t have to be such a big mess.
The thing is that with each dye, I kind of feel like a different person. I always feel like there is so much more I could be doing and there are things that I’ll have to do and things and more things. Just having that idea is a good thing, but I’ve been going through it a lot lately. Well, at least this one I knew was coming.
Generally as a rule, I stay as far away from exercise as I absolutely can. Like I will take a more time intensive job if it means that I don’t have to go exercise.
Now, obviously I do get some exercise. I like to dance. And there is a lot of walking involved in my schoolday. Not so much on other days, but definitely on schooldays, there is a lot of walking in my day.
But there is one other form of “working out” that I’m okay with. And that is a crunch. I love crunches. There are many reasons for this, but one of them is that I love having abs. The other is that I can do them on the floor, laying on my back which is great.
Because the crunch is like the “I’m active, but with the right amount of lazy” put into it. And that works for me. Because they are amazingly easy and they let me work out the one thing I like to work out which is my abs. Now, eventually maybe, I’ll get into some more and different exercises but for now, I’m going to praise this success.
Doing 120 crunches is a lot. That’s what I did and I’m proud of it. But I also want to get farther and I know I can. So by Week nine or ten, I want to be doing 200 a night. Yes, I’m going to be doing crunches every night for awhile.
I don’t know who long. I’m terrible at committing to things. But they are something that will be a part of my life.
So technically I never went to sleep. I just stayed up through the night. It first started with a call to Jon which is how my night’s usually end, but honestly where my day really begun. Because we talked. And I love him. I realize that I might be falling in love with him. Which is kind of problmatic for me, seeing as for the longest time I was aromantic. which was not a big deal to me. I never had any problems with. I have a huge problem with the fact that ties make everything more complicated. And we’re seeing that. And we’re both in a stage in our life where we want to be free and not bound by people’s rules.
Which is good. I delight in it. I just think that sometimes I’m the thing holding him back. I’m the person that he feels like he needs to be with. He needs to make someone happy and that person just happened to be me. I don’t know. Maybe that’ll make sense. The thing is like I love our honesty. It makes everything less complicated in the normal ways, but it also makes them a little more complicated in others. Which is great.
What I didn’t see and I continue not to see and next time we talk I need to bring it up, is that he doesn’t think I’m strong enough. And that’s what frustrates me. I’m happy. I love him. I do. I greatly love him. I broke down all the walls and stand buck ass naked in front of him when it comes to vulnerability. And yeah, that scares me. And it makes me think that maybe he might take advantage of it and hurt me and in the end I might not be strong enough. But I trust him not to. Because he said he wouldn’t. And that’s good enough for me.
I just don’t see him believing in my strength as a person or a diety or whatever the hell I am. I don’t see him, seeing me fully as an independent whole. Which you know, can be kind of easy to think when you see me, but I’m tired of it. And it’s going to bite him in the ass if he does it again.
But anyway, I explored these messages and others ones with myself throughout the entire day and I just feel different. I feel more ready. I feel in a place that I’m ready to finally stop bitching about the situation and just get it done. Fuck everyone else. Fuck him if he doesn’t like it. I finally feel ready. And that came from a lot of places. Not just from me analyzing the fuck out of everything because I didn’t have anything better to do and I’ve been up for forty hours, but the fact that I’ve consumed and thought very critically about messages that are important to me.
To that extent, I’ve also created them. I wrote. A full piece. It’s probably not great. It could be structured better and I’m sure someone would raise a notion as to why I needed to write this piece, but I did. I needed to write those words in that order and let them have their shared moment of my year.
Because this whole relationship stuff has become remarkably important to me. I went from single to met the parents and having like serious future talks in a very short while. And maybe we rushed it. But maybe the bookmarkers are for other people and we will forge our own way.
I don’t typically do resolutions and it’s a bit late to be making one, but I’m adding it to the goals I want to accomplish in 2013, which will replace the one I’ve already completed. Make a more concerted effort to let the walls down and be open to possibilities. The right things will come through. The right path is the one I’m forging and I just have to let people see it. Let people help me become the best self I can be.
Also I should probably sleep tonight. Forty hours may sound nice in theory but it’s a bit of a fucking drag now. Still it was nice to do. And I livetweeted some of it on my twitter with the #lifewithoutsleep. If you find this particularly amusing, I will attempt to make a list of those tweets or something and link them.
Literally today, just how much do you want to throw at me? I love you Tuesdays, but fuck right now you suck.
You started out great. You were wonderful. You were treating me well. You figured that I could use a break after the two weeks I’ve had falling in and out of sickness and I thank you for that.
But then you got mean. You gave me chatty Kathys and then you gave me sleepiness so bad I couldn’t walk down a simple set of stairs. You made my boyfriend walk me down them.
And then you lost the fucking mail key. I’m literally nothing for wanting except the effing mail key so I could watch netflix in my bed. Literally, that’s all I want. I want to do things without having to worry that I’m bothering someone. Or taking up too much of their time.
And right now I’m blaming you. You’re the only one to blame. Because you have fate on your hand. Or the universe. Or god. Or whatever it is. I don’t give a damn. It was out of my hands. And right now I’m blaming you.
I know that’s not the greatest. I know it’s not the most mature thing to do. But fuck it. I’m doing it, anyway. Because the other explanation is to blame someone who is sick and just wants to get better. And I can’t do that right now. Because it’s mean. And right now even in my pissed off state, I know not to. So it’s your fault, Tuesday. You and that yappy dog too.
Got up at 4 AM to throw up. Layed in bed until 5.30 till go backing to sleep. Woke up at 8. Threw up three more times. Spent a majority of the day on the couch wailing about how ridiculous it was to be an invalid. Could barely eat or drink. Had a grand total of a ginger ale, maybe a glass of water, a peice of bread and two bowls of animal crackers. You don’t realize how much you love dairy until you’re not allowed to have it. Also couldn’t have coffee because I am a weeny and won’t drink it without cream.